The Book of Open Houses (a Fragment)

...came they then to a house which was in the sun-baked south, and far it was from the blessedness of mass transit, and bright were the dwellings there with vinyl siding, and the morning sun mounted in the sky like a proud warrior who had been unfortunately set on fire.

And yet they saw that the house was of brick, and upon a quiet street upon which children played and they said to one another, let us go in.

And they beheld therein a Bad Renovation, and lo there were new cheap-shit wooden floors laid down, and crappy cabinets hung. And they went upstairs wherein a senseless division of space had been created by a blind fool, that a windowless "den or computer area" might be brought into life. And lo, upon the top floor, a tiny studio for a tenant had been outfitted with an extravagant wood-burning stove. And everywhere were the Fruits of Stupidity and Poor Taste.

And they left there and they wept, for the house was of brick, and it had a backyard of the kind that is called Cute.

And they left there and they took them to a house on a Major Thoroughfare that was for sale by owner, and the owner was a man of great energy and wisdom, and they heard much of his lore of plumbing, and of drainage, and of landscape, and of boilers and of roofs. And his tales of fixing-up did lift their spirits and cheer them greatly. And they left him with a happy heart, although his house was just too damn expensive and on a Noisy Street.

And they came then to a third house and entered a small room for living where yea, the ceiling was low, and lo, they were taken to the kitchen, where the ceiling was really low, and they were shown a bathroom where by the craft of men or devils the drop ceiling had been cunningly made to be so low that perhaps it had originally been a gnome's workshop; and yea, upstairs the Hippie Owner was waiting, and he was like unto Derek Smalls of Spinal Tap, as played by Harry Shearer, except even more like unto a dwarf. And there was in that place a very large and silent man who did not identify himself, but played at Microsoft Flight Simulator with heroic concentration. And the Hippie Owner did show them his attic "fantasy space" which was painted black with red lights and flourescent stars and outfitted with a million CDs and a mixing board and microphone.

And in that place a small joke about pirate radio stations was made in all innocence, and lo, the Hippie Owner did reveal that pirate radio was his great love, and how a combination of low power and no cursing will keep the FCC off your back, because it's all about respect. And there came then a silence, and they left that place...

Posted by BT at August 12, 2002 12:17 AM