This answer comes to me from out of the ether, by which I mean out of my a__.

Danny Bonaduce.

I have no idea why I thought of him, exactly, and hope never to again.

Dave Eggers, formerly known as Jack Slappypants.

Or maybe Garrison "Garry" Keillor?

Jennifer Lopez got a book coming out? Or am I stuck with deaf ears and fallen lies lying all around me?

All interesting choices, but no.

So I need to stuff Danny B. back into my, eh, ether?

Given that I've been trying for the past nine months to get through Mason & Dixon, I can't remember any fiction I read before it. I can assure you, though, that I've never read this crap.
I'm told that Anne Rice writes like an eighth grader, and I know she's written as Anne Rampling.

Isn't the 'a' adding, loud, gesticulating talking thing Italian anyhow?

I hadn't considered that this might be fiction. Was thinking more that it was a memoir.

Could the heada wombata narrowa thisa downa justa a littlea by tellinga usa ifa thea persona ina questiona isa runninga fora Governor ofa thea Californiaa?

Some clues:

1. This is not from a work of fiction.
2. You are not familiar with this person because of their literary work.
3. Not a candidate for the governorship of the Golden State. The author lives on the opposite coast.
4. Another quotation: "Be careful. The people I most trusted have most betrayed my trust in them. And believe it or not, it was usually over money. My friends or people I thought were friends betrayed our whole family for money...Unlike God, we can forgive, but we do not have the ability to forget. That is divine."

God can't forgive? I must get this book . . .

Britney Spears

If that's not Jack Handy, I'll eat my recall ballot.

Bow Wow! Bow Wow is totally a winner -- you know, the name change!

I thought Jack Handy was Al Franken, but I guess that's actually Stewart Smalley. So though it smacked of Handy, I ruled it out. But I see from a little, uh, research, that there is this Jack Handy/Jack Handey name thing going on, and may he's a real person.

If someone is affecting stupid, is that not a work of fiction?

Personally, I don't find the samples affected stupid enough to be funny, which is why I took them for real stupidity. Even as they seemed to be too stupid to be true. I guess that is what makes them art.

Certainly too stupid to be funny. Reading this stuff makes me want to slap somebody, maybe myself for not having written this tripe myself because apparently someone will have to buy it (prison libraries?). A salient part of the clue; this person is not, by trade, a writer. They are notable for some other godforsaken reason. His/her family had money. They felt betrayed. This is not Martha Stewart, because she can still afford editors.
Jim Bakker?

Well, it could be Martha Stewart, since she initially rose to prominence as Jackie Stewart . . .

"As a little girl I dreamed of being on the Grand Ole Opry. It sure seemed like a pipe dream at the time, utterly impossible. But guess what – on my 40th birthday, I sang at the Grand Ole Opry!"

I guess Bow Wow is out.

"Las Vegas is the most beautiful place I have ever seen. The beauty and excitement of that town make the heart beat faster. It never closes. Day turns into night and night turns into day, and if you're in one of those beautiful buildings, you never know it…But the beauty and excitement of that town have ruined so many lives forever. It has bankrupted people who had a wonderful future ahead of them, financially and emotionally and spiritually."

I would have thought Dolly Parton could write better.

Mary Chapin Carpenter? Boy, I hope not.

Or Wynonna Judd? That wouldn't bother me so much.

I had the Winona thought just now walking back from lunch. I think it's a winner.

I'm sure Dolly made the Opry sooner than age 40.

Just to add to the guess pile, I'll toss in June Carter (Cash).

Though of course singing at the Opry wouldn't have been an impossible dream for JC(C), given that she was born into the legendary Carter family. So scratch that guess, and credit it to my account to cover the LeCarre/Ludlum double guess last week.

Tammy Wynette?

"A wig is both functional and fun. And yes, it will stay on, and no, they aren't heavy anymore. I wear one almost all the time and don't even realize I have one on my head. I can't feel it anymore. I like to go with the current color of my own hair when buying a wig, because I like to pull my own hair out in front and blend it with the wig hair. It's foolproof."

Tammy Fae Bakker?

Cher?

Loretta Lynn?

Marilyn Manson

Or perhaps Ru Paul?

Madonna?

God loves you, Scott. All text appears in Tammy Faye was-Bakker-now-Messner's I WILL SURVIVE...AND YOU WILL, TOO! I couldn't quote from the multiple chapters about makeup for fear of giving the game away. Allow me to share one more tidbit of Tammy:

"Personally, I like the Catholic Church. To me, people who attend Catholic Church go there to honor God. That's more than I can say for some churches I've been in."

Please give half credit to Jonathan for bringing the Bakkers to mind. Without his help, I would have at the very least spelled her former name wrong.

You must have enjoyed the toying with us on this one.

Thanks, Scott.
I was thrown off the scent by the Opry. It all makes sense now. Wonderful, horrible sense. I think I'm gonna cry (Rivers of Mascara).
The blank destroyed by the men in suits was, I assume, the world's largest [ministry], PTL, originally Praise the Lord but later changed to People That Love. I think maybe now we know who wrote that copy.

It was less the pleasure of taunting and more the joy of an extended romp through the very fertile fields of Ms. Messner's imagination. I'm so glad you all came with!

I want to swear here before God, Hatchjaw, and everybody that I'll never make fun of ghostwriters again.

Also, is it just me, or did Johnny Cash look more and more like a hobbit with every passing year?

Scott W, drunk on victory and tempting all kinds of fate today, turns to the heavens and sez, "yeah, he looked like a troll! Whaddaya gonna do, make me the Man in Black and Blue?"

:)

Trolls bad, hobbits good. Johnny Cash, very very good. Mostly. Don't poke around the corners of the back catalog too vigorously. I do love the man, though. Don't get me wrong.