With the War on Loneliness finally underway -- the question naturally arises -- how are we, as a nation, going to afford this program so vital to out National Emotional Security? There's no question that the standard-bearers of singledom are in retreat; and while it's fine to spend one week protecting the sanctity of the importance of the preciousness of marriage between two people absolutely not of the same sex, we're talking about putting some serious Benjamins to work to get some rings on some fingers. Some people might try to undermine such a long-needed outlay of federal match-making funds, by pointing to the peskily rising deficit.
The answer, fortunately, is obvious: link up with our other major national concern and spend the first chunk of the money getting the terrorists hitched. They're unhappy, they've got too much time on their hands, and they've got no one to come home to. All that can change with a little Match.gov action, aimed at the right angry-young-fundamentalist. And it should be an easy pitch to make even to those prospective beneficiaries not currently within the U.S. borders-- a cave's a fine and private place, but none, I think, do there embrace, if you get my drift. If there's any further doubt about the matter, let me add this: these days, I couldn't find the time to work on a jury-rigged homemade "dirty bomb" even if I wanted to. And forget about spending a night out with boys, lobbing mortars at convoys outside of Basra.
Once that's taken care of, use the savings on national defense to expand the program: government-sponsored arranged marriages for all! What could be more consistent with a philosophy of a small government, which refrains from overly interfering in the free market? -- excepting the marriage market, that is.
Posted by BT at January 14, 2004 10:24 AMMike and I were considering getting a divorce as a form of political protest, but yours is a less cynical tack. Perhaps we could marry off the poor, the queer, or the incarcerated to the terrorists and give them all one big fat healthy choice: go home or go to jail.
Hark, his might package swings.
Posted by: bootsy on January 14, 2004 01:13 PM
More than you need to know:
http://www.unmarriedamerica.org/Spectrum/Bibliography/contents-page.htm
Posted by: art on January 14, 2004 06:42 PMAs ever the conversational saboteur, I find an opening in Art's comments to send me tearing off on a tangent.
When we were visiting my parents over Thanksgiving, we were shuffled off to a hotel since we don't have a 'big dog,' which is the currency of the realm if you want to stay at the house.
There in the Great Valley of Virginia, someone has put together a glossy booklet so tourists don't miss a single tourist (read as 'Civil War*') attraction.
The booklet says that the Lexington tourist information office will provide "maps and more information than you're accustomed to receiving." Which makes that sardonic voice in my head that just won't let up say "Shut up and give me my map, geek, there's a tour about to start at the Stonewall Jackson House."
The booklet was at its most helpful in pointing out that the name of neighboring town Buena Vista is pronounced -- and I quote -- "BYOO-nah VISTAH (rhymes with 'sistah')." Because if you start doing that high school Spanish thing, no one is going to know where the hell you want to go. There's also a chuckle for insiders in the description of Lexington's sistah city, which says that since the town is named for a battle in the Spanish American war, it's no surprise that BV (BEE VEE -- rhymes with 'pee pee') has a first-class Mexican restaurant -- La Hacienda. (You'll have to figure out how to pronounce that yourself.)
Thanks for listening to my shortish anecdote on "more information that you want." (Hmm. . . I get this whiff of irony from somewhere. Is it maybe someone's cologne?. . .)
* Well, plus Dinosaur Land, if you get that far north.
Posted by: Scott on January 15, 2004 09:36 AMAs a parent of toddlers, I tell you:
Dinosaur Land rocks, my friend.
Posted by: teenidol on January 16, 2004 11:28 AMAlso, I may be calling on you more academic types to help me with my federal grant application for "developing my marriage." I figure it's worth the government maybe $40 or $50 k to keep me & the Mrs. honest.
Posted by: teenidol on January 16, 2004 11:30 AM