E.F. Hutton.

Marshmallows are an affront to sweet potatoes, like asking Dr. J to wear platform shoes. I was well into my adult life before I realized I liked vegetables, thanks to idiotic practices like putting marshmallows on sweet potatoes.

A Thanksgiving tale to highlight the point: a few Thanksgivings ago, I was steaming broccoli in the family yurt. When it was a still crispy bright green, I turned off the heat. A few minutes later, my mom checked it, and turned the heat back on. We went back and forth a couple of times like this. Eventually the forces of veggie mushification won, and the broccoli tasted like an elementary school nightmare.

Did I mention "E.F. Hutton"? I got kind of sidetracked, you know.

Hutton's off.

Truth to tell, I don't like marshmallows on my sweet potatoes either; and the beloved life-partner and myself always fight over the cooking of vegetables -- I'd eat them nearly raw (especially broccoli), whereas she requires that they be steamed into complete and unconditional surrender.

I think "financial titan" is the right direction: maybe Shearson?

nope

That safe-bootin sombitch Andrew Carnegie

Wrong again. A hint: the labelling on his product still bears his name, which is almost universally recognized.

That safe-bootin sombitch Quaker Oats

Neither Quaker Oats nor General Mills, nor Captain Crunch.

Another clue: you have possibly purchased the product; you have likely consumed it at least once; you have almost certainly seen it.

That safe-bootin sombitch Kellogg

That safe-bootin sombitch The California Raisins

I believe Mr. Crunch's proper military rank is Cap'n.

Mr. Bismol?

Product--not products? That rules out L. L. Bean. But I guess if it had been he, those rubber boots would have a steel-toe option by now.

I am drunk on the pleasure of having accumulated more points than I would have imagined. Random guesses for all! Let's start with . . . the Wrigley gum guy.

Have you hacked my supermarket "value card" account, BT?

I do look forward to understanding how the intricacies of that clue apply to the product in question. More likely to have consumed than purchased, but seen is most likely of all?

That safe-bootin sombitch St. Joseph?

That safe-bootin, vapo-rub promulgating sombitch Vick?

I'm pretty sure Wrigley was alive during WWII, which I surmise from dim memories of "A League of Their Own." Which I saw on a date. Ugh, I really did have no pride back in the day.

That safe-bootin sombitch Twinkie the Kid?

Mr. Elmer's Glue. All kindergarteners are more likely to consume it than to purchase it. Come on, you know you tasted it at least once.

Stand tall, Scott. I'd rather learn my history from Laverne Defazio than from Steven Spielberg.

Since our office closes at 2, I feel compelled to add some clue-age: the man in question was orphaned (actually his mother died and his father remarried, and as he was one of 12 kids, he was apparently pretty neglected), and taken in by the family of a Lutheran preacher and local businessman, Reverend Dan Call. Call was a slaveowner, although not apparently on a large scale. One of the men he "owned" was called Nearest Green. It was from him that our man learned his trade and the specific methods that he maintained were at the heart of his success.

At the urging of his wife, after a few years Call sold his business to his 13-year-old protege, who based his later (post-civil-war) business upon it.

That safe-bootin sombitch Burpee?

His business was set up on the banks of a stream called Mulberry Creek, near a place where he stumbled upon a cave and freshwater spring at the base of a limestone cliff.

Mr. Jack Daniel's? Daniels'? Daniel's'?

I feel close. Mr. Jim Beam? Mr. Wild Turkey?

That safe-bootin sombitch Schlitz?

That safe-bootin sombitch Miller

That safe-bootin sombitch Joseph Pabst?

Raise your glass to the wo/man from "nospam."
Terry has it -- with the caveat that though the Tennessee whiskey (not bourbon -- just call and ask, and you'll get an earful) we know is labelled with the possessive, the man's name was Jack Daniel with no apostrophe and no terminal sibilant.

Incidentally, the sour mash process by which both Jack Daniel's and various kinds of bourbon are distilled was more or less perfected by a Scot earlier in the 19th C. First name James. Last name -- anyone? Anyone?

And Terry vaults ahead to swipe 11th place--a Thanksgiving Eve steal (we do indeed celebrate the holiday here in Nospam).

I'm out of whisky/whiskey/bourbon knowledge, though.

That sour-mashing sombitch James "Jim" Beam?

Not, actually, Jim Beam. He was a contemporary of Jack Daniel. The guy I was thinking of was in the distilling business considerably earlier -- in fact, I should revise that 19th C. to 18th C. He was a contemporary of Mr. Beam's grandfather (also a whiskey maker), Jacob Beam. His first name is not much recalled, but his last name is iconically connected to drinking.

I'm off to do some pre-holiday shopping for beans, shallots, fennel, and pumpkin-pie filling. I'll check in later to see if anyone guessed it.

That sour-mashing sombitch James Hangover?

Or, with a little more sincere effort, that sour-mashing sombitch James Tipple?

happy thanksgiving, y'all!

James Crow (of "Old Crow" fame) was the firewater-maker I was thinking of.

I just finished baking two pies: apple/ginger and pumpkin. The apartment is wrapped in blessedness. A happy Thanksgiving to one and all, even those of you so misfortunate as to dwell beyond our sanctified borders. Please help yourself to a Gummi Puritan (cod flavor only), and partake in the spirit!

I don't like marshmallows on my sweet potatoes, but God help me I love Durkee onions on my green bean casserole.