My generally problem-free hosting provider has answered my queries as to why Movable Type has frozen me out. The answer is that (as I was apparently supposed to be aware) my hosting has been switched to a new server, with, apparently a different version of the "Berkeley DB library;" according to the Movable Type manual troubleshooting page, there is a fix for this; but it involves Unix shell access, which my provider ("for security reasons") no longer gives customers with my kind of account.
Currently there are messages going to and fro between the wombat's family (Distraught owner: "CAIN'T YA DO SOMETHIN', DOC? THE POOR LITTLE FELLA JEST LOOKS SO SAD, ALL HAND-UPDATED LIKE THAT!") and the rather distant Providers of Customer Service.
Sigh.
***
Now, I get a lot of Spam, although not as much as some, and most of it is of the most mundanely irritating: bland stock swindles, escapes from the working world, penis-embiggenment methods, and the inevitable offer of a Magic Porno Skeleton Key which will unlock the Portals of Filth and release my spirit into an infinite paradise of _____ who love to _____ and _____.
Every now and again, however, I get something truly noteworthy, something that demands a fate other than the mass deletion. The smoked ham of spam.
For your consideration, I offer some excerpts from a piece of email I recently received, subject line "I Will Take Another Toke":
To express our appreciation to all of our loyal customers, we are offering the following products "2 for 1" for a limited time only. Ragga Dagga, Stoney Mahoney, Sweet Vjestika, Aqueous Kathmandu, along with a free 1oz. package of Capillaris Herba.
We have three (3) NEW Renegade Botanicals From Exotic Botanical Resources, the ethnobotanical herbalists who brought the herba supplementals Kathmandu Temple Kiff 1 & 2 Personal Choice, pipe-smoking products/substances to the common market!
Announcing:
1. Temple 3 Ragga Dagga (tm)
2. Aqueous Kathmandu (tm)
3. Stoney Mahoney (tm)
The lengthy description of these "lawful, Personal Choice substances" is a masterful combination of pot-geek gobbledegook, serious marketing-speak, and the familiar I-Can't-Shut-Up-About-My-Product syndrome (so common to the spam genre), which creates an almost hallucinatory ad-poetry, cloudy with passages like: "A one-of-a-kind, proprietary amalgamation, comprised of extreme high-ratio concentrated extracts which are derived from various common and uncommon 'sensitive/responsive' herbas..."
This goes on, to use their phrase, a "goodly while", occasionally erupting into fits of a kind of "whoa there, dude!" legalese: "And although we are not age-governed by law, Temple 3 Ragga Dagga (tm) is intended exclusively for sophisticated adult usage! Subsequently, it is our MANDATORY ethical policy that Temple 3 Ragga Dagga (tm) may not be sold, offered, or given to any person that has not attained at least twenty-one years of age. All things in their time."
This is proof, as if more were necessary, that the Internet brings us "all things" indeed, whether or not it is truly their time.
Anyway, it sure sounds impressive, doesn't it? Who wouldn't want to take advantage of something as revolutionary as an "exclusive 'kiffening' technique?"If these bright boys have solved the kiffening problem... Honey, where's my complimentary Legal Potentiated Herba-Botanica enjoyment pipe? Let's get this party sophisticated!
Posted by BT at September 17, 2002 04:36 AM